Now I have always seen Christmas Cards as essentially uncontroversial. There are obvious environmental issues, and I have no problem with people who don’t give them, for that, or any other reason.

I get them for my children to give to their friends. This has always been easy, and again, uncontroversial. Until now. Now that my eldest is not in a fixed class,  he doesn’t want to send them. Because it’s too complicated. He can’t realistically give one to every person he encounters in school, nor does he want to, and he doesn’t want to give one to people who give him one, because other people will feel left out. So he doesn’t want to give any.

Now, this should be perfectly reasonable, and I have, of course, told him that it is reasonable, and Christmas cards are entirely voluntary.

But, I didn’t envisage how *I* would feel. it matters to repeat that it is NOT about how I feel, but, noticing how I feel helps to question why *I* do things, and how I could be better.

I am worried that it will impact his level of being accepted. I worry that I don’t understand how this works best for him, that I project what I would do, or what I would need. I worry that I don’t know what it is like to be him. I use this to question the actual necessity of many things I “need” to do.

But at the same time, I am listening to the community of autistic people on line, and realising that most of them seem to hate non autistic parents of autistic children, so whatever I say or ask or comment is viewed through that filter. Which makes me question myself even more. Which is fine in one respect, it’s all learning. But it’s hard for me as a person who is still relatively new to expressing what *I* would prefer to do, and how *I* really need interaction to be. it’s hard because I, seem to be programmed for guilt. I understand why that might be, and that it is not always real, but, that doesn’t mean that my culpability is NEVER real.

And, I know that I haven’t always known how to help him. I haven’t understood what it is he needs or what he doesn’t understand. Like when I didn’t know I had failed to teach him what basic facial expressions mean. Like when I didn’t know he didn’t know that films have stories and are not just a collection of cool effects / screen shots. Like a million and one times I didn’t know that he needed help with x or y. So, yes, I probably am part of the evil NT parent band. But no one ever told me ANYTHING about what I could do to help with this. Like I said before, like trying to teach a language you don’t even know exists.

So, yes, they are JUST Christmas cards, and I don’t care if he doesn’t want to send them. I really don’t. But, for *me* it is just another thing I didn’t know, and didn’t know I needed to know, so it might be a whole new stress I needn’t have bothered him with.

Christmas is a minefield for the most grounded and sorted person. Here, it is especially challenging. I don’t ever feel like I know what I am doing. And this past few months, more and more things have piled up to show me that, as a person guiding an autistic young person I know possibly less than nothing. I need to learn more, which means sucking up the NT parents are all completely inadequate, and mostly also cruel stuff, in order to keep learning. But, just for a minute, I also need to be allowed to say that I don’t know what I am doing, and that it is hard (I don’t say hardER – how would I know?).

Maybe there are people who so much know that what they do is the right thing, that they feel confident that the things they do lead to the best outcomes. But all I know is that I am not him, and I must not assume that my best outcomes look the same as the best outcomes for him.

Mostly, I don’t know. Mostly, I am wandering around totally lost, trying to sound confident so that the small people don’t panic.